Episode 76 - Do You Believe?

It's fair to say this is a really important episode for both of us, as it's about self-belief and confidence - a topic that is central to everything we do as Coaches & Speakers.

We talked about how a lack of self-belief can hold you back, what gives us confidence, advice for constant self-doubters, examples of when our self-belief has been challenged, why self-love is such an important ingredient for self-belief and confidence, and go-to strategies when self-belief and confidence needs a boost.

We absolutely loved talking about this, so we hope that comes across when you listen.

We gave some shoutouts in the episode, so here they are:

"Solve For Happy" - the fabulous book by Mo Gawdat. Available at all good bookstores and well worth a read, recommended by Rachel.

"Squeeze The Orange" - the book by Sameer Lal. Available at all good bookstores and recommended by Jenny.

Lisa Newport Funky Diva - Personal Style & Brand Mentor. Check her out on Instagram here.

Stefan Thomas - Speaker, Corporate Trainer, Bestselling Author. We're so excited to have him on the show as a guest in the next episode, so don't forget to subscribe for notifications when the next episode goes live. You can find Stefan here.

See you next time :-)

Rachel & Jenny xxx

Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/andrey-rossi/seize-the-day

License code: IXCNEBVQPQVTC05X

Music from #Uppbeat (free for Creators!):

https://uppbeat.io/t/andrey-rossi/seize-the-day

License code: IXCNEBVQPQVTC05X

We'd love to connect:

Rachel:

WEB: http://www.inspiredlifegroup.co.uk
LINKEDIN: https://www.linkedin.com/in/Rachel-Haith
FACEBOOK: http://www.facebook.com/inspiredlifegroup

Jenny:
WEB: https://jenuineconsulting.com/
LINKEDIN: https://www.linkedin.com/in/jenuineconsulting/
FACEBOOK: https://www.facebook.com/jenny.gordon.370

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 1:13

So, hello everyone, and welcome to the latest episode of the Renny Show. Um, if you're watching us on video, then hi, we can actually wave to you. How are you doing? Uh and if you're listening to us on audio, then hello, wherever you are in the world, whatever your time zone you're in, um, where our listenership seems to be increasing, Jenny, which is very good news. I've been looking at our stats. Very exciting.

SPEAKER_01 1:35

Yeah, very excited about our increasing uh listenership. And so if you are a regular listener, uh, we would love you to carry on listening, but also we would love you to um tell all your friends about us so that they can listen too. Uh, because that's always a great way, isn't it? Of if you love something, then tell somebody about it so that they can have the opportunity to listen in too, because we'd like more. We'd like more listeners. We absolutely want more listeners all over the world. We'd love you to talk to us, um, because that's the other thing we love doing, is to uh be having conversations. So we love your comments, we love your feedback, we love your ideas, suggestions, questions, all of those things are most welcome. Um, and now we have the Renny Show Facebook page. We do. You can subscribe, like, be part of join that thing. Um, so you can tell us all about it there as well. So then on Instagram, don't forget Instagram.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

You can we're still on it. We're everywhere. Um, you can find us on both platforms on the the Renny Show podcast. So look us up and it's R-E-N-N-Y in case there's any doubt uh in terms of the spelling. It's not like the indigestion uh remedy.

SPEAKER_01 2:46

But we are a really good remedy with all ailments.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

Make you smile sometimes because we talk nonsense and talk about things like socks um and marmite uh and custard. Uh we've been known to talk about all sorts, uh, but we also talk about some what we think is really important stuff uh about personal development. So uh if you're listening, thank you for being here. And as Jenny said, bring your friends. Let's get everyone involved because we'd like to talk and we, you know, the more people we can talk to, the better. Exactly. Um so today, uh in this particular episode, it's called Do You Believe? question mark. Um, this one is all about self-belief and confidence, something we both talk an awful lot about, something we've both been on our own journeys with and love to share with the people that we work with, the people that we talk to, um, and obviously all you lovely listeners. So we will dive straight in there. Uh, and I'm gonna ask you, Jenny, what example can you give of when a lack of self-belief held you back from doing something that but you did go on to then do it later?

SPEAKER_01 4:02

Oh, there are so many examples. I think probably the one I'm gonna share with you uh is my modelling. Okay. Um maybe people don't know that I do the modelling now and then. Um and I have always hated having my photograph taken because I and and I don't think there's a I think I have the opposite of body dysmorphia. So I always think in my head that I am much lovelier um than You're very lovely, Jenny, in every way possible. Much lovelier than in photographs. So I think we all have a we all have an image in our head of ourselves, don't we? And so uh many, many there have been there's there is a lot of evidence out there of me um pulling, I always get caught uh pulling silly faces or with my mouth open because usually it is um and uh I just I'm always disappointed because in my head I think, oh I looked so glamorous um at that wedding or whatever. And then I see the photographs and I think, oh, oh really? Oh, no, um I I'm sure I'm taller, thinner, much more glamorous um than the photographs would have you believe. And so I really struggled with photographs. And um when you are in business uh and you you are your brand, it's really quite important that people a know who you are. And that I think the greatest compliment anybody's ever paid me was when uh they said they they had followed me online and they said, and then we met in real life, and they said, Oh my goodness, you are exactly the same in real life as you are online, yeah, um, which is a fabulous thing. Um, anyway, I hate having my photograph taken, and I had was scrolling on the the Facebook as you do occasionally one late one evening, uh, and I was asked uh there was an advert, a lady was asking for models, um, and I said, please define model because I'm not young. Um I'm proud that I'm not young. Um I'm not young, I'm not thin, I'm not tall, I'm not blonde, I'm not any of the things that you would traditionally associate with modelling. And um she said, uh exactly, let's chat, let come along, let's chat. Um, and so I went along uh and we did some photographs, and I kept forgetting then that she was taking photographs because it was just like a conversation that we had to have a camera. Uh, and because I because I didn't think they were going anywhere and I was never going to use them, I was completely relaxed and obviously worried about it. And of course, uh the result of that is that the photographs are fabulous.

SPEAKER_02 6:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 6:55

And and it was a I felt it was a real and it has been, it was that that moment where you think, actually, the things that I worry about and the things that I see other people don't. Yeah. Um and so from there I applied to I entered a modelling competition, um, which I won. Um I would never have done that in a million years, but that that that photograph um session was absolutely pivotal in changing my self-belief, uh altering my self-belief, uh, and therefore the confidence I had as a result. And it it has been a lasting, it felt like a real kind of pivotal change. And I don't like the word pivotal, but anyway. Um it it was a really deep kind of light bulb moment, which has lasted. So I'm forever grateful. Um, and we'll put the we'll put the links to the um the people who are involved in that. Um, but it it was a really uh it was a really so I think image and our lovely fellow friend and business owner Lisa Newport talks about um confidence, which I think is just the best word ever.

SPEAKER_00 8:13

Yeah, it is, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:14

When you are comfortable in your own skin, whatever that skin looks like, uh it's that that is a real kind of moment, isn't it, when you reach that that um that point in your life.

SPEAKER_00 8:29

Definitely. The confidence that brings is immense. Um, I mean, again, uh there there are so many things for me as well, I think, in in my lifetime where I've held back from something. Um, and one of the ones that was really quite pivotal for me is when I was still in the Air Force and I wanted to do a master's degree in logistics management, which is logistics was what I was in at the time. And I held back because I didn't believe that I had the ability to balance everything because I was already a busy working mum, working full-time, um, obviously trying to bring up the kids and run a home and and and everything else alongside uh my husband. And I didn't believe that I would be able, you know. I see I saw all these other people signing up for these masters, doing it successfully, juggling all the things, but I didn't believe I could. Um and it was really interesting. One of the first coaching sessions I ever had where I was being coached, uh I had I was regaling a story of how I hadn't achieved something I wanted to achieve that particular year, and I was, I suppose, beating myself up for that. And she said, Do you realize how much you're actually doing? And and I didn't up to that point. I was just like, Well, I'm doing the things I have to do. I'm being a mum, I'm being an officer in the Air Force, I'm being someone that runs a house, does half the cooking, uh, you know, I'm just I'm doing all these things because they need to be done. I hadn't acknowledged how much I was actually achieving, you know, because I was already running a business alongside that as well. Um, and so when I then five years after first saying no to this master's, five years later I did sign up to do it, and sure, there were complications that came from having to juggle an extra thing. Um, and I will say my ability to meet a deadline was a little questionable at times, and there were a few extensions here and there, and there were also weekends spent just literally hammering out however many thousands of words, uh you know, right up against the deadline. I I am a bit of a deadline dodger, always have been. Um but signing up for that, which I had spent five every year for five years when they were taking on the next cohort, I would look at it and oh no, I can't do that. I I just didn't believe in my ability to do it. Um and eventually, I don't know that it was because I did believe in myself that I said yes, but I said yes because I just got to the point of thinking, well, I'm holding myself back by not going forward and doing this. Um, and it was one of the things I took on that did actually then contribute massively to my level of self-belief because I realized how much capacity I did have, and that you choose how you spend your time. Um, so that that's something that's that's always felt really important for me in terms of understanding, first of all, how much I'm achieving anyway, and not putting that down and not just saying, Oh, but that's just I'm doing that because I have to. Well, just doing.

SPEAKER_01 12:07

Yes. Women do a lot of that, don't we? We say, Oh, just just doing. I'm just doing that, I'm just doing that, just doing this. Oh, by the way, I'm doing that as well. Yeah, and just well, on my way to do X and Y, I'm just gonna pop in a Z.

SPEAKER_00 12:20

Yeah, completely minimizing it all. Yeah. Um, so it was kind of twofold. It was understanding how much I was actually achieving, but then realizing that signing up to do something that I actually really wanted to do, that you can make these things work. You just have to go for it. And you know, maybe the self-belief comes along the way, but sometimes you just have to go for it. So yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:42

And that so that brings me very nicely to my first question, right? Well, there's a surprise. Funny old thing. We we should just say at this point, as we do often, is that Rachel and I have absolutely no idea what the other one's going to ask until we ask it. Um, and we'd be amazed at how many times they accidentally dovetail. So my question is um, so what gives you confidence?

SPEAKER_00 13:08

Oh gosh. Um, I I think there are so many different answers to that question because there's no one silver bullet.

SPEAKER_01 13:15

No, you can have you can have more than one answer.

SPEAKER_00 13:17

Okay. Um, yeah. You know, there are there certainly speaking personally, there have been a lot of different elements to building self-confidence. Um one of the big things that that has been instrumental for me is learning about self-love. Um because if you can't love yourself, I mean, as RuPaul would say, if you if you can't, how the hell are you gonna know? What is it? Huh?

SPEAKER_01 13:46

If you can't love yourself, how the hell are you gonna let anybody else love you? Or you, yeah, yeah, or something like that. You know what we mean.

SPEAKER_00 13:52

You know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 13:53

RuPaul, if you're listening, sorry, um, you can you can give us your proper quote. We're very happy for anybody to get in touch with the proper quote. But you know, that's the kind of basic thing. You have to love yourself first before you can um you know love anybody else, or also um accept love from other people, because otherwise you don't think you're worth it, do you? Yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_00 14:15

Yeah, yeah. Um, so learning to love yourself warts and all, light, shade, and everything in between is is huge. And I think learning about the self-doubt voices, all those different voices in your head, whether they're your own or not, because quite often they're not, uh learning that you don't have to listen to all those voices, that you do have a choice. And I think actually that brings me on to the biggest thing of all is that realizing that we do have a choice in the way we feel about things, the way we react to things, doesn't mean awful things don't happen, but we do have a choice how we react to them. We do have a choice how we choose to be each day. You know, you talk a lot, Jenny, about how intentional you are every day about how you're going to be. Um, and I I think it's too easy to get in that trap where we feel, oh, well, I'm just, you know, it's it's better the devil, you know. I I'll stick with with how things are because, you know, it's safe in relative terms, uh, safe and simple. Whereas sometimes it feels like you know, there isn't a choice, but actually, if you take that choice to make something different, the overall difference it can make to your life and to your confidence is huge. So I often say that I see my role as a coach is helping helping people to open their eyes to see that they do have a choice in things like this. Um, but I think we we could probably just actually talk all day just on this one question uh about all the different things that involved in no we won't keep you all day, folks, just for a little while. So hang on, bear with us. So how about for you?

SPEAKER_01 16:01

I think what coaching, um, and and that we're probably both biased in that, but coaching, um coaching has been instrumental in uh my rebuilding of my confidence, which was well and truly squished, squished well, bent well out of shape.

SPEAKER_02 16:20

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:22

And um and so coaching was uh was an investment in myself, and I think what I love most about coaching is a the opportunity to reflect, but b the questions that they ask. Um so um I've had a number of really great coaches over the years, um and I think that that spending time, investing time and money in yourself to give yourself that time-bound space where you can go, oh, oh, I I yes, I do that, but understanding why you do that and how often other people might perceive it as different, you know, happening for different reasons. You're the only person who knows why it's actually happening. And are you, you know, are you more scared of success than you are of failure? You talk about all it what if it doesn't work, but actually quite often it's the opposite we're more worried about is well, what if it does and it's really brilliant? How will I cope with that? Um and so yeah, coaching has been a real thing about confidence, and also um, you know, clothes and um image, and again, that's that on the surface that sounds really vain. In my experience, proper as opposed to improper, not deep um image consulting about your uh your clothing personality, what suits you, what doesn't. This is not about, you know, um if you're over 50, you need to wear back round dresses, or you shouldn't wear you shouldn't wear shorts. Um that's not what I'm talking about here. This is a deep alignment with who you are and how what you wear personifies who you are and what you know what you believe. So it's a it's a much deeper thing than that. Um and so much more than just clothes, isn't it? Yes, so much more. Clothes are the clothes are the kind of icing on the cake, really. But all that all that goes on underneath that is is really important. So I think those are two two fabulous meaty ones like those, yes, like those. Um and who knows we could do a whole programme um another time on on um either of those things. We we will make a hasty note of that.

SPEAKER_00 18:46

Okay, so my next question for you. What would you say? Have you got any top tips for someone who is frequently doubting themselves? And yeah, just what what would you say to that person? Come and work with me.

SPEAKER_01 19:03

Hey! No, what I would say to that person is again, it's not hugely different from what we've already said, but it's that um firstly, the first thing I'd say is give yourself a hug. Yeah, because quite often, as Rach said before, it's other people's voices. There's a lot of shoulding, isn't there? There's a lot of people both on Tinternet and social media and on the tele and all those things. There are a lot of people telling you what you should be doing, what success looks like, what fabulous should feel like. Um, there's a there's a lot of instructions um and a bit pointy finger feeling sometimes about what you should be doing. There's a lot of people who know a lot of stuff who make it sound like um that they know better than you. And it if you're having a moment where you're um in a bit of a pickle or you've had a lot of stuff going on and you've maybe changed your career, you've just finished your relationship, life has been lifing, um, you know, it's there's a lot of things been going on, and you're just feeling a little bit not a hundred percent glowing, um a hundred percent brilliant, then it's really easy for those voices to kind of get louder in your ear. Um and um I talk often about that that dreaded soul shriveling comparisonitis.

SPEAKER_02 20:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:38

When you look at when you look at other people um and you go, all their lives are all peachy, and mine's a bit mine's a bit messy or a bit crumpled or a bit whatever. Um, and it's really easy to well, if you're having a bit of a downer, you can look at the whole the rest of the whole of the world, it seems like it's all peachy. Um, and so what I would say to people who are feeling like that is it's not, it's not, it's so not. There no, um, there are so many of us, most of us, most of the time, are lifeing.

SPEAKER_02 21:15

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:16

Um, and again, the way that we manage it, uh, the way that we have a choice about how we respond, we have a cho we have some choice about not the things that happen to us, but the way that we deal with it. And so I think firstly, I'd say give yourself a hug.

SPEAKER_02 21:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:33

Um ask yourself what you need right now.

SPEAKER_02 21:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:37

Do you need someone to hold your hand? Do you need someone to listen? Do you need someone to, you know, take you out for the day and walk through the trees or dip your toes in a stream? Um, what is it that you need right now? Just one small thing, one small thing that you can do. Uh, and so often I think we don't we don't recognize that we put our needs so far down the pecking order, down the list uh that we forget what we need. So spent 10 minutes. Um, what if I could have anything in the world, what would it be right now? Would it be, you know, a mate to go for a coffee with? What is it? And ask. Ask none of us do this again. Ask, ask. You know, the bravest thing you can ever do is ask for help or ask for what you need. Um, and the worst thing somebody can say is, I can't do it right now, but how about tomorrow? Or how about the day after, or whatever. There will be somebody out there who can give you the support that you need or the challenge that you need right now, um, you know, to improve your confidence, your self-belief, improve how you're feeling.

SPEAKER_00 22:54

Yeah, of it. Um I the thing I I would add, very much uh uh along similar lines to what you've said, Jenny, is if someone's experiencing lots of self doubt, where's the evidence? Oh we'll have a bit oh yes oh yeah eminence what what are you basing it on? Um there's uh um I'm a huge fan of Mo Gordat um as a speaker, as an author. He's brilliant. He just talks so much sense.

SPEAKER_01 23:24

Um for happiness.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

So yeah, soul for happy was his first book, um, which I always recommend to people. Thoroughly good book. Um I think he's written about four. Yes, then yes. Um but one of the things he talks about, I'm currently reading one of his other books, and I can't for the life of me remember what it's called, which is terrible, but I'll put it and put it in the show notes. Um in fact I'm gonna write that down, Mo book. Um and he talks about if someone tells you that there is uh if you're sat in the living room and someone tells you there is an orange on the table, on a plate in the kitchen, if it's someone you trust, you're going to believe them, you're potentially you're going to treat that as fact because why would they lie? But your belief that there's an orange on a plate in the kitchen on the table isn't based on evidence. It's not based on fact. You haven't seen it with your own eyes. Um so anything that you are taking as fact, i.e., the self-doubt in this case, are you basing that on real evidence and information? Or are you basing it on something that a parent once said, an employer once said, something that social media is suggesting? Um so yeah, where's the evidence? I think is a is a really important one. Love that.

SPEAKER_01 24:59

And and of course, what they would also say is if you're unsure uh about the level of the evidence, then check it out. Yes. Go into the kitchen. Go into the kitchen. Squeeze the orange, squeeze the orange, is what we would say.

SPEAKER_00 25:14

You heard me here first, folks. Squeeze the orange.

SPEAKER_01 25:20

Um so Rachel, you alluded to it just briefly before, so I'm gonna um because I was listening. Oh, oh, there you go. Um, and it just so happens that it was my next question. Don't you just love it when a plan comes together? Um we talked about, you know, when has your um self-belief been most challenged?

SPEAKER_00 25:43

Wow. Um, okay, so I mean, I I I know I've talked about this on the show a number of times, but you know, the I literally remember the day when my self-belief was at its absolute lowest, on the floor, down the toilet, you know, think of whichever analogy you like. But um I had spent many years being passed over for promotion in the Air Force, and I couldn't understand why. There were there was always, I was always given some explanation or other, oh, you're not experienced enough, or your experiences aren't broad enough, you know, as as you progress, they like you to have broad experiences rather than just niched experiences in in a lot of cases, anyway. Um, and eventually it got to the point of well, you you keep telling me all these reasons why I'm not being promoted and and having the career progression that I deserve. But there, you know, there doesn't seem to be none of these excuses are or reasons are holding water anymore. Um and I said to my husband, am I just crap? Is is that what it is? Like, you know, my my self-belief had got so low that the only explanation left to my logical mind at the time was that, well, it must it's it must be me. I must be rubbish. Maybe I'm not as conscientious as I think I am, maybe I'm not as hardworking as I think I am, maybe I'm not as good as I think I am, maybe I'm not as good as other people are telling me I am. So it wasn't just me saying I deserve promotion, it was people that I was working for, people that were working for me said I deserved it. You know, there was lots of evidence, uh coming back to what we were talking about about Mo and the evidence. There was lots of evidence to suggest that I was worthy of promotion, yet the promotion never came. And that day was, I mean, it was a it was a turning point for sure. And and so I don't regret it in that sense because um getting to that low point helped to turn things around. But the the worst part of that, which I often refer to, is the fact that I realized I had let them take my self-belief away from me. Um I didn't realize that that had been something I was actually responsible for. I was blaming everybody else. Um, obviously, then I came back to blame myself for being rubbish, but but I was kind of blaming everyone else for the situation I was in. And actually, that was a hugely important moment for me because one of the um, you know, when I give my signature talk, one of the key points I draw out of it from people, for people, um is that it's it's not personal and you have to validate yourself first. It's not about seeking validation from others. When you believe in yourself first, when you validate you, anything else you receive on top of that externally is a great bonus. It's fabulous. But when you're relying on that uh external validation to in order to feel worthy, chances are you're gonna end up where I was. So, you know, it's hugely, hugely important to validate yourself first. And I don't think I would have learnt that with such depth if I hadn't been in such an awful place where my self-belief was absolutely on the floor.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

And I I I suspect that there isn't anybody who's listening um who hasn't had a point at least once in their lives where they have felt that their confidence and their self-belief um is on the floor um for whatever reason. And we talked about some of them before, that you know, there are there are many there are many examples in life where our confidence gets a old bashing, uh, and that for whatever reason uh we can feel like we we are not worthy. Um and that absolutely I would agree with you that that um often it's a really gradual erosion of of self-belief. Um and so sometimes when it's so gradual, it might be that you're in a a role at work where um it's not going as you had, and that there's a there's a sort of acceptance, isn't there, that oh well everybody must be if that's the case that that must be right. Um and that is it me? Well it must be me because I've been told it by a person or a number of people that that's the case. Um and that even when, again, back to Mo's evidence, even when other people are telling you that's not in fact the case, um that so I my example is um uh uh my mother-in-law um was really, really good at eroding self-belief, um, and it was small comments, small jibes. And when you um when you are naturally a people pleaser, I don't know if there's any one of them out there, I think there might be a few. Um when you are naturally a people pleaser and you want to keep people happy and you want to do the thing, um, and so you do the thing. Um, I was very young when I got married, um, and my mother-in-law is a very good cook, uh, and so one of the things I did was learn to cook because that was a way of pleasing. So she would ask me to bring a pudding or make something to contribute to family dinners and things. And um, there would always be a very tiny kind of and when you're learning to do something, whatever that is, whether it's um learning at life, uh learning in a job, and you you you've tried really, really hard. Uh and the feedback we um I'm sure we've done a programme about feedback, but if we haven't, we'll do one. It's that thing about you know, and I heard somebody on social media talking about that sh sandwich the other day, and that you you you know, you start off by you tell somebody that they're great, and then you give them the meaty feedback in the middle, and then you follow it up with but really you're okay. And of course, what people remember is that sh in the middle of the sandwich, um, and it completely erodes trust because they don't believe that the the either side bread bit, yeah, um, because it doesn't feel even if it was intended as real, it doesn't feel real because the thing, the thing in the middle, um, the really meaty, horrible feedback, um, is the bit that they remember. And so even when you the next time, even when you're giving them the um the well, we think you're wonderful, and then there's a but at the end of the sentence, yeah, um, actually they're they don't they don't hear, they don't hear that for initial um fabulous bit. All they're waiting for is the oh, here comes the punch. Yeah, where's the punch? Where's the punch? Yeah, and that's what people are waiting for. And I think um, so if you are in the business of giving feedback to people, ask them how they like to receive it. You know, do they how do they like to receive feedback? Do they want give me it straight, you know, um, full frontal. Um, well, actually, I I'd like you to be a bit gentle with me. Give me the, you know, give it me. So ask people how they want feedback. Yeah, and actually, those little jiby comments, um, well, that would that's lovely. If I'd done it, I'd have done, I'd have added this. Are you sure you remembered the nuts? Uh, whatever it is. Um, those little gibe comments that are intended to undermine are very rarely helpful. So please don't do it if you're if you're if you're tempted, um, just close your mouth.

SPEAKER_02 33:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 33:56

Some things just don't need to be said. Um is it necessary? Is it kind? Yeah, uh exactly. Um, because it's really easy to erode somebody else's confidence, and equally, it's really, really easy to build people's confidence. Yeah. Because you focus on what they're good at and ask them to do more of that. There's that school, isn't there? The school of thought that, oh, we all need to be good at everything. Ah, well, actually, I don't subscribe to that. No, no, do more of what you're good at. Yeah. Because there are other people who are good at what you're not. Yes. So actually, do the thing, do more of the thing that you're fabulous at. Um, and that is a great way of building your confidence. Um for those people who are sitting there going, Well, I'm not good at anything, yes, you are. There will be something. And often the thing that you are good at is something that you find easy, and therefore you don't really appreciate it.

SPEAKER_00 34:53

Yeah, so you underestimate how good that you actually are at it.

SPEAKER_01 34:56

And you make an assumption, don't you, that because you find it easy, it's no big deal, and everybody can do it. Ha ha no, they can't. Um, you have a superpower, you have probably have more than one. Um, but so check yourself out. If you're if you're feeling a bit, if your confidence has taken a bashing, um, think about what you're really good at.

SPEAKER_02 35:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:16

Um, and if you think it's nothing, then our invitation is to think about things that you find really easy. Those things where you say, Oh, I just you said, I just do that. I just, you might be fabulous at oh, I just brilliant at spreadsheets, I'm brilliant at planning. My kitchen cupboards are beautiful. Um, mine are. Mine are um, you know, my spice, my my spice wraps in alphabetical order, my survival is gorgeous. There are many people out there, Red Shoot, who are brilliant at that kind of stuff. It's not us. No, it's not us. We all have we all have our strength, we all have the things that we're brilliant at. Focus on them, do more of those, um, uh, and celebrate the fact that you are brilliant at them.

SPEAKER_00 36:01

Absolutely. Amen to that. Yeah, yes. Couldn't agree more. Um, okay, so my final question, we've already alluded to it slightly in some of the stuff we've talked about, but I'm sure we can draw more out here. Um, why is self-love so important when growing your self-belief and confidence? What difference does it make?

SPEAKER_01 36:27

I think that we are all unique individuals, every single one of us. Um, you know, we might share DNA with sisters, brothers, but we are all individual and uniquely individual. And so back to that comparisonitis, yeah, and social conditioning. There's a lot of social conditioning, isn't it? So I've said, I'm sure I've said more than once on here, and I've certainly said it out in the world a lot, is you know, I believe that we're all born brilliant, um, and that that your that your head and your heart is like a palace of infinite rooms. There are so many rooms with potential and all of the emotions and and yeah, everything, they're all in there. Uh, and we as children, small children, we wander through those rooms with gay abandoned, don't we? Yeah. Um, and that we can, you know, we try it all out, we try things out. Um, and and then somebody says, Oh, I thought you were drawing a house. That doesn't look like a house to me. Um, you know, that's not how I draw a house. And then there's that little bit of self-doubt comes in, and that door, the door to the that room kind of creaks shut. Um, or then you get somebody at school maybe saying to you, um, you know, you're not in the you're not in the it, you're not in the in-crowd. Yeah. Um, and so that that that belief that oh there is that you have to be a certain way to be in the in-crowd. And if you're not in the in-crowd, then you're automatically out.

SPEAKER_02 38:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:13

Um, and that is somehow lacking. It might be that somebody says to you, um, oh, you're not like your brother or your sister, are you? Um, that has been an oft-repeated phrase in education since my dad, who is 93 next month, was at school.

SPEAKER_02 38:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:31

Um, and I think it's a phrase that needs to disappear.

SPEAKER_02 38:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:35

Its time is long past. Um, it's well overdue its sell by date.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 38:40

But there's a lot of that going on around. So I think the importance of loving yourself, that doesn't mean blindly accepting your faults and going, oh, this is just who I am, so I can behave in a certain way.

SPEAKER_00 39:00

Yeah, it's a huge difference, isn't there?

SPEAKER_01 39:02

So self-love, as you said right at the beginning, Rach, is that for me, is around that um firstly, I talk a lot about this, um, acknowledging, acknowledging the parts, the many parts, the multifaceted parts of yourself, um, appreciating how they serve you, or they don't, yeah. Because sometimes they don't. Sometimes they really don't, sometimes they really don't. Um, and accepting that um you can choose, you have a choice. Yeah, you can choose to do something about that, or you can choose to do nothing. Doing nothing is still a choice, yeah. Um, and I think it's really important that we remember that. So, you know, you can look at your, I don't know, untidy study Jenny, and you can go, oh, that's just me. Yeah. Um, or you can say, I know why it's untidy because I've you know not been here or I've had priorities or whatever. I'm not making excuses, they are they are real reasons for why it's like that. But actually, I'm gonna allow, I'm gonna choose to spend two hours sorting stuff out because that's what I need to do, and it is for my own good. So I think self-love is really, really, really, really powerful in terms of both accepting who you are and also accepting that you can grow, evolve, change, develop all of those things. So it's really have I answered it.

SPEAKER_00 40:38

Oh, yes. I I I mean, I'm not sure there's there's a great deal more I'd add to be honest, because I I couldn't agree more that it's it's not just about blind acceptance, it's about understanding how those things impact you and others, yeah, absolutely, and the how you interact with the world and what you might want to consider changing, what you might struggle to change. And okay, so how can I work with that then? I appreciate that's something about me, that's a trait I have. It might not be ideal, I wish it wasn't there, but if I can't completely change it or get rid of it, how can I work with it? And I think it's I think some people, when they when they hear the phrase self-love, they do think of the the blind acceptance and that that that thing of taking it to the extent of arrogance where you oh you you know I can remember at school, oh you love yourself, you do, you know, that sort of thing that that would be said to people. And that's not what this is about because that would be complete blind acceptance, not acknowledging any of your faults, um, not acknowledging how your actions impact other people, and so it you know, it's about so much more than that.

SPEAKER_01 41:55

Um self-love doesn't make you better than anybody else, it's just that you know yourself well, yes, um, and that and that you accept that there are, I say, you know, all shades, uh, light, shadow, whatever I prefer to call, you know, multifacets, that there are many facets, absolutely, and that we are all in order to be a whole being, um, you know, we have to acknowledge and appreciate all of those things and deal with the ones that don't serve us, yeah. Or others.

SPEAKER_00 42:23

Yeah, yeah, fabulous. I reckon we've answered it between us.

SPEAKER_01 42:26

Oh, nailed it. Um, so my last question, which is a lovely question, I think. Okay. Um, so Rachel, what are you what are your go-to things um when your confidence or your self-belief needs a little bit of a boost? So what do you do to raise yourself up?

SPEAKER_00 42:47

Okay, one of the first things I would always do is to talk to someone, is to, you know, the people in my network that I know will understand, I think, are one of the important things, but will also not not blow smoke and you know, tell me false things, because that's not what I need to hear, but perhaps that will be able to support me in remembering the things I have achieved, you know, because those moments of of self-doubt where you feel like you've never achieved anything in your life and it's all awful. Well, you know, that's very rarely actually the case. And sometimes you need someone external to yourself to remind you of those things, or to just it's that different perspective, isn't it? It's appreciating that you're you have a perspective, it's not the only perspective, and sometimes getting one from someone else can be really helpful to just make you rethink slightly and think, okay, well, hang on. So what can I do about this? Um I think it's also really important to um to look at where you think it's coming from. Is it, and again, that I think this comes back to the evidence thing, is it just that you know, hormones might be in a certain place, or something's happened that has tipped you over, or maybe there's been some, you know, sometimes long-term stress, um, whether things like money, things like family, you know, those long-term stresses in life can really just slowly eat away at your own levels of confidence in the things that you're doing. And so looking at what those things are that might have led to how you're feeling and think, well, okay, what can I do proactively to do something about this? And I I also think there's huge benefit in having things to look forward to. Um, those moments of joy, you know, what what actually brings you joy in your life and and have you got some of that planned? You know, um, I think that can help as well. So I think. For me, the thing that the common thread that holds all those things together is connection, connection with self and connection with others, I think.

SPEAKER_01 45:18

Oh, love it. Absolutely. Of course I love it. I think the only thing that I would add is that sometimes a change of scenery can be really helpful. So whether that's a change uh in the room that you're in, um uh whether that's a change, you know, go for a walk, uh, walk outside. There's nothing quite like a walk in the sunshine. Yeah or the rain, actually, if you've got your wellies on. There's nothing quite like changing your scenery, uh, changing your environment to change your energy. And um, I agree with you talking to somebody as we said earlier on. No, there are it might feel like you're the only person who's going through this. Yes. Um, but there are many, many other people who have also been in that position or who you know can be there. And sometimes it's not about solving anything, is it? Sometimes it's just holding space. Um, sometimes there are those of us who are external processors and actually having a space, a safe space to talk things out loud and process it as we're talking is really helpful. Um, sometimes it's nice just to have somebody to walk alongside you uh in silence if that's what you need. But I think changing not not trying to fix you necessarily. No, no. Um, and just so just changing, changing your room, changing your environment, um, just changing, you know, change can often help change the energy when you're when if you're feeling a bit new. Um and we've talked a lot, haven't we, about glimmers. You know, when you're when you're walking in the sunshine, you'll suddenly see something, it might be, I don't know, a child stamping in a puddle. There's nothing more um hilarious than a child with water in their wellies. Yeah. Um there's you know that there's always something that you can look at, and just that reframing, changing your moving your perspective a bit is always a really helpful thing to do.

SPEAKER_00 47:17

Um, so yeah, definitely love it. Well, hopefully that's that's helped. If it's resonated or it's raised questions, or it's made you want to ask us a question in terms of uh self-belief and confidence and something we can cover in a further episode, then get in touch. Um, as we said before, the Renishhow podcast on Facebook and Instagram. You can message us on either of those. And obviously, you can find us on our own socials, Jenny Gordon and Rachel Haith. Um, please do get in touch because we love to carry on the conversation. But I think this has been a great episode. It's a subject that's very close to both of our hearts, both in terms of personal experience, but also in terms of the work that we do. So if it's something that you need help with, then you know where we are. And obviously, we've extolled the virtues of coaching uh in this episode. Um so if we can help, then then let us know. But apart from that, it's time to wrap up this episode. And shall we shall we tell them about the special guest that we've got coming up?

SPEAKER_01 48:16

Yes, um, we we um we have got we've got a number of special guests coming on. Yeah, um but our next special guest is the fabulous Stefan Thomas! We're very excited about this one. Very excited. Yes, we are. Um so Stefan is uh well known to uh both well to the world, yeah, but also well known to Rachel and I. So we were delighted um when uh we asked him if he would like to come on the show and he he accepted with alacrity, I think. Yes, but it's always good, isn't it? So we will be uh talking to him very soon and uh we would look forward to sharing that episode with you. But until then, um stay inspiring, be brilliant, and we'll see you soon. Bye for now.